If there’s one thing that can shake even the most patient parent, it’s a sudden toddler tantrum. It can be difficult to know how to deal with toddler tantrums, but can be helpful to remember that behind every one is a toddler struggling with emotions they haven’t yet learnt how to manage.
Whether you’re at home or out-and-about it’s important to develop strategies to help both you and your child deal with this period of learning. With that in mind, we’ve put together some helpful tips on how you can effectively manage unexpected tantrums, along with ways you can prevent them in the first place.
What is a temper tantrum?
Ask any group of parents about tantrums and you’ll hear a dozen different stories. Every toddler is different and their triggers will be too. The good news is that once your toddler grows and learns to communicate better, the tantrums will lessen. This is because your toddler can’t yet tell you what they need. They might kick, scream, or hold their breath, because they’re struggling with big feelings. This can be really hard to deal with as a parent, so it’s good to remember toddler tantrums are a normal part of your child’s development.
As adults, we have developed self-control to manage our emotions, but our toddlers don’t have that skill yet. Things like changing tasks, when they’re in the middle of something they enjoy, can easily cause upset when emotions are running unregulated. Even if it’s as simple as asking them to stop playing with their toys so they can eat some food, this can cause a tantrum.
There are many triggers for a temper tantrum, such as hunger, tiredness, or overstimulation, but the most important thing for your child, and for you, is that you develop good strategies on how to manage tantrums that can benefit your child’s development.
7 tips on how to manage tantrums
Our toddlers feel the things we do. They may get angry when they want food or become grumpy from lack of sleep – but the difference is they don’t know how to cope with these feelings. They learn this from us, and therefore, we need to stay calm and set a good example.
Below are seven top tips to help you learn how to control temper tantrums.
1. Make sure the space is safe
One of the first steps to managing tantrums is to take a look around. Are there any dangers to your child, yourself, or others? If so, move your toddler into a safe space first. This might include creating a “calm corner” where your little one can retreat when they feel overwhelmed. This helps your child to calm down and express their feelings in a healthier way.
2. Identify the trigger
Toddlers are still developing their emotional regulation skills and may react strongly to various situations when they can’t express themselves verbally. With that in mind, think about what happened right before the tantrum. Your toddler might be getting frustrated, sad, or angry because they can’t do something or are trying to communicate their needs. If you can identify the trigger, then it’s much easier to deal with the next steps.
3. Accept your child’s outburst
Recognising and accepting that your child’s emotional explosions are a natural part of development can help you respond with empathy rather than frustration. Don’t add to the dysregulation by yelling or screaming, instead try to stay calm and regulate yourself first. Remember they’re just trying to learn about their feelings and the world, and will struggle to control themselves once a tantrum has taken hold.
4. Let it play out
This is perhaps the most difficult part of learning how to deal with toddler tantrums. Though it might be hard to watch, you must wait for the tantrum to stop naturally. Allowing them to cry it out helps them to fully process their feelings. It will also help your toddler learn that their tantrums are not effective and reduce the number they have over time.
While the tantrum is playing out, it’s often about finding a balance and making sure they know you’re there for them without giving them what they want or smothering them. There are a few things you can try to help your child get through it while letting them process their own feelings. For example:
- Don’t try to apply logic. Be sure to keep things short and with a calm tone. You can explain things after they are calm and regulated.
- Validate their feelings briefly, then hold space for them. Even if it’s hard for you, remember it’s been hard for them too. Teach them that emotions matter with kindness. This will help cultivate sympathy and empathy.
- Offer comfort and let them decide if they want it.
- Don’t use dismissive phrases, but rather acknowledge their feelings while modelling calm behaviour.
- Praise them for calming themselves down. They will learn they don’t need others to deal with their emotions.
5. Hold your ground
When we’re thinking more about how to control temper tantrums, holding your ground is a crucial step. If you’ve said no to something, don’t change your mind. This will only make tantrums more likely in the future as your toddler will learn it’s a way to get what they want.
Some toddlers may escalate their tantrum towards the end, and this is called an extinction burst. This is often a last resort to see if they can get what they want. While it may look like your child is in pain, they’re safe and you need to wait it out. If you give in at this point, it can influence their tantrums to become more extreme.
6. Use distraction
Don’t forget that you can use redirection once the meltdown is slowing. This isn’t about giving them what they want, or any kind of treat, but by seeing if you can refocus their energy onto something else. This will allow them to calm down.
When they are calm, re-emphasise the boundary to reinforce that their tantrum wasn’t effective, but let them know that you might have something good for them later.
7. Reflect and learn
Don’t forget to skip this step. It’s important to take the time to allow them to reflect and learn. Ask them what they could do next time when they’re feeling that way and let them know their feelings are okay, that you understand they’re learning about themselves, and that they’re doing a good job. This is an important step in how to deal with toddler tantrums and to prevent them from happening in the future.
How to help prevent temper tantrums
Preventing tantrums begins long before the meltdown. With a little planning and patience, you can create routines and environments that can help them feel calmer and more in control. Some things we’ve already touched on, but now we’re going to outline the things you can do outside of the tantrum to help prevent them.
Model the behaviour you want to see
Toddlers copy what they see, so showing them how to handle frustration calmly teaches them to do the same. Try to respond to challenges in your day-to-day life with patience so your toddler can learn that big feelings can be managed without melting down. It can be hard to always model good behaviour, especially when your child does something that makes you mad, but it’s important to show them how to deal with their anger by demonstrating self-control.
We all make mistakes and when you’re tired it’s natural to get frustrated. By apologising to your child for yelling or getting mad you can teach them that everyone makes mistakes and how to mend relationships after a temper tantrum. Over time, this will help them learn to regulate their emotions in the right way.
Create clear expectations
You’ve created a more calm atmosphere – now it’s time to gently create clear expectations through rules and boundaries to help teach your toddler right and wrong. This will help create a better atmosphere for them as they will get to know your expectations and not be left wondering. Once you set boundaries, your child will feel safer within them.
Though boundaries are important, try to avoid saying things like ‘no’ and ‘don’t’, and try to instead focus on altering these behaviours and praising good ones. Try to teach, not react. Ask yourself ‘what does my child need to learn here?’
Reduce triggers
When thinking about how to deal with toddler tantrums, one of the most effective steps you can take is reducing the everyday triggers that can overwhelm them. For example, many toddlers struggle with changing tasks. Using the method discussed above, rather than asking them to stop abruptly when you need them to, try to wait for a natural break – for example, if their favourite show has ended or if they have finished playing with a certain toy.
You can also try to create these natural breaks by using a timer, creating a distraction, or counting down how many more times they can do a specific activity. Even though these things will reduce the number of tantrums, it’s natural for your child to still get upset about transitions and have meltdowns.
Acknowledge their feelings, but make sure you follow through with finishing the activity at the allotted point. This creates boundaries, so they know you mean what you say. This continues to teach your child that their outbursts won’t get them what they want, and hopefully reduce the number of tantrums they’re likely to have.
Book a visit at our day nursery
If you ever feel like you’re navigating tantrums alone, you don’t have to. At Stepping Stones, we support your little one as they learn to manage big feelings, build language, and express themselves in healthier ways. We’d love to show you how we support children through these tricky toddler moments.
If you’d like to take a look around, feel free to come along – we’re always happy to meet new families. If you have any questions about our facilities, our staff, or how we can support your child’s development, don’t hesitate to get in touch with us today.
Toddler tantrum FAQs
What causes toddler tantrums?
Tantrums are a normal part of early childhood development. They often occur when toddlers – typically aged between 1 and 4 – are overwhelmed, tired, hungry, frustrated, or struggling to express their emotions verbally.
Is it normal for my toddler to have frequent tantrums?
Yes, frequent tantrums are very common in toddlers. This is a stage where children are learning independence but haven’t yet developed the language or emotional control to express themselves calmly. Most children grow out of tantrums as they develop better communication and self-regulation skills.
When should I be concerned about tantrums?
If your toddler’s tantrums are extremely intense, last a long time, involve physical harm to themselves or others, or continue well past age 5, it’s a good idea to speak with your GP or a child development specialist. These can be signs that additional support is needed.